Death by Microfibre
by katterpillar
Summary: When Tony is left in a room alone with an ever-growing collection of towels, things can only go horribly wrong. Oneshot. Comedy.


**Rating: PG for Tame Language**

**Genre: Comedy**

**Heavily referenced off another similar work you might recognise it from, one about soaps. Think of this as the NCIS / DiNozzo version of the original. The idea isn't mine. The writing is. **

**Poor Tony. –pats-**

**Enjoy!**

****

_Beep._

"Hey…

Uh, This is Anthony DiNozzo from room 1610. I was just wondering… Could you please just tell the cleaners or whatever not to leave any more of those little white towel things on my bed? I've got my own grey Egyptian cotton towel and the complimentary ones are kind of getting in the way. I've got, like, five white towels just sitting around. Thanks for the thought, though. Uh, Bye."

_Beep._

"Mr DiNozzo, hey, I'm not your regular cleaner just so you know, she's visiting family. Anyway, I took the Terrycloth towels off your bed like you asked. I put two microfibre towels and a washcloth beside your bathroom sink, you know, in case something comes up and you need them. Management told me to leave at least two towels daily.

Thanks."

_Beep._

"Hi… normal cleaner. It's Tony DiNozzo. Obviously you are back, because when I got back from Salt Lake City today, I found another three towels stacked up on my bed. Look, I'm not a complimentary-towels kind of guy. Try sending them to Tim McGee in 1632, I'm sure he'll appreciate them. They always end up on the floor because I get frustrated when they get under foot. I have my own Egyptian Cotton, so I won't need the hotel towels. Cheers."

_Beep._

"Hey, it's your cleaner, Cassie. My sister went into labour, so the admin assistant had to cover for me for a few days. She left two bath towels near your vanity plus one beige washcloth for you, as instructed by management. I moved the three towels on your bed and the two stacked near your bathroom sink into your closet, in case you need them. I left the beige washcloth, and also the complimentary white towel hanging on the towel rack which has been there since your arrival. Uh, so, I hope that's all good! Bye."

_Beep._

"Mr DiNozzo? This is management. We've received your complaints about the hotel cleaning service and have rectified the situation. A new cleaner has been assigned to your room 1610. I apologize. Feel free to call me at any time if this proves unsatisfactory."

_Beep._

"Hi, management. It's Tony again. Look, I work with NCIS as a Federal Agent, so I wasn't here during business hours yesterday to call, which is why I phoned management in the first place… The new cleaner must not have received your memo or something, because when I came back today, there were three white Terrycloth towels on my bed, two cream Microfibre towels on my vanity and another beige washcloth to cap it off. Just to clarify, I've been here for less than four days and so far I have received a grand total of sixteen Bath towels and three washcloths. What the hell did I do to deserve this?"

_Beep._

"Hi, Mr. DiNozzo. This is your cleaner, Sandra. Uh, all the complimentary towels have been removed from your room as per your insistence. I hope this is what you wanted, and I wholeheartedly apologize. Sorry 'bout this."

_Beep._

"Okay, what is this shit? Where is my Egyptian Cotton? You've taken every single damn towel in the room, including my own Egyptian Cotton towel. I want it back. That's my towel. I had to call the bell-hop, ass naked, and ask him to give me some complimentary towels. Give me back my freakin' Egyptian Cotton towel."

_Beep._

"Hello, Mr. DiNozzo, this is management. I don't understand how this could have happened, because our cleaners are told to leave at least three complimentary towels to your room every day. I assure you the situation will be dealt with immediately. Sorry for the inconvenience."

_Beep._

"Okay, are you shitting me? Why are there twenty three little white towels on my bed? Which asshole is responsible for leaving twenty three bath towels on my bed? Do you expect me to shower twenty-three times a night? Are you hinting something? I still don't have my grey Egyptian Cotton towel back. Can we call a truce? All I want is my goddamn Egyptian Cotton. And take away these little fluffy complimentary pieces of Terrycloth crap."

_Beep._

"Mr DiNozzo, this is management again. You told our cleaners that you were overstocked with towels- so we then removed them. You then told our cleaners that you were now without any towels- so we gave them back. We have removed the Terrycloth towels and the Microfibres the maid left earlier. We left the washcloths for you. Your maid must not have realized why we removed all those towels in the first place, so she returned the twenty-three towels that were initially removed.

Also- This towel does not issue Egyptian Cotton towels. I don't know who told you that, but we do not give out Egyptian Cotton towels and never have. I have left three Terrycloth towels on your bed as compensation.

Thanks."

Beep.

"Hi, management. Just a friendly courtesy call from Tony, room 1610. Thought I might inform you of my current towel collection inventory. At the moment, I've got…

Three beige Terrycloths on my closet floor.

Five tawny Microfibres stacked alongside, near my shoes.

Four cream Microfibres alongside my vanity, all slightly damp.

Six beige Washcloths – one on the vanity, one in the shower and two stacked on top of the towels on the dining table.

Sixteen White Cotton Towels- six on my bedsheets, three hanging from the shower, two on the bath's edge, and five on the dining table - slightly nibbled.

Five Terry Velour Green Beach Towels in my pantry.

and NO Grey Egyptian Cotton Towels.

Please make sure that all stacks of towels are stacked exactly parallel to each other, and polished. Some floor brackets would be much appreciated as towel-stacks of more than 5 tend to sway or topple. This could by rectified by folding end-to-end rather than corner-to-corner. Also inform your maid that using the pantry was an excellent idea- there is plenty of room in there, and I don't really use the pantry for anything else .. except for food, of course, which isn't really very important in the grand towel-dominated scheme of things.

Thanks so much!

Tony."


End file.
